Celebrul drum al crucii. Fiecare crestin il cunoaste si-l stimeaza pe cel care l-a strabatut la picior, urmat de o multime galagioasa, purtandu-si crucea pe care urma sa fie rastignit...
am trecut demult de acele timpuri, dar asta nu inseamna ca, metaforic, fiecare dintre noi nu are o cruce de dus. a unora e mai usoara, a altora mai grea si a multora e mai apasatoare decat pot duce. pot spune ca sunt unul din cei ce duc povara lui atlas pe umeri. nu sunt singura...
s-a dus intr-o lume mai buna acum un an de zile...s-a dus si el acum 7 luni...astept sa se duca si tatal meu...e intr-o faza terminala...nu mai are mult...dar EA...pe EA o tin aproape langa mine. trebuie sa am grija de EA. si incerc sa o fac zi de zi cand vin acasa si ma intampina cu un zambet.
cineva mi-a spus saptamana trecuta intr-o discutie amicala la telefon, ca ar trebui sa ma pun in locul celor care stau in frig si striga impotriva actualei situatii politice a tarii. am facut-o si am ramas cu multe intrebari. de ce? si pentru cine? de trait mai bine, nu vom trai. pentru copii nostri? oare isi vor aminti ca am facut acest gest? ca am facut pentru ei mai mult de o gramada? ca am renuntat la multe ca si parinti sa le oferim party-uri de ziua lor in nu stiu ce playground de fitze? nu. pana la o anumita varsta nu vor intelege si nu vor vrea sa inteleaga anumite lucruri. si atunci din nou: pentru cine si ce? "ca romanii sa o duca mai bine"? asta e cel mai vechi text citit in liturghiille din biserici. oricum nimanui nu-i pasa de tine. nu-i pasa ca ai iesit in strada si ai scandat. nu ii pasa ca in trecut l-ai ajutat. te va calca in picioare cu prima ocazie ivita. si nu va fi destul. va trece si cu buldozerul de "n" ori peste tine in numele noilor "valori" care ne indruma in acest secol: minciuna,manipulare,inselaciune, lacomie si bani! nu mai exista mese rotunde si cavaleri cu onoare. nu mai exista cinste si omenie. cine isi va mai aduce aminte? nimic din ce ai facut in trecut nu mai conteaza. ai ramas fara bani si pe deasupra mai cazi si moral...?te vor infunda si mai tare in mocirla! asa cum nimeni nu-si mai aduce aminte de 1600 sau de 1848 (apropos pentru cei nestiutori: maine, 24 ianuarie se implinesc 164 ani de la unirea Moldovei cu Tara Romaneasca sub(t) domnia lui Alexandru Ioan Cuza), nimeni nu-si va aduce aminte ce ai facut acum o luna, acum 6 luni sau acum un an.
acei putini supravietuitori cu valori morale i-am adunat in jurul meu. ei sunt adevaratii mei camarazi pe care nici lipsa de bani si nici kilometrii departare nu-i vor desparte. sunt alaturi de mine si sunt alaturi de ei. oameni sinceri si onesti. ma mandresc cu voi! voi ma ajutati sa-mi duc crucea.
Crucea mea...crucea mea este sa fiu mereu alaturi de cea care mi-a dat viata si de cea care m-a crescut si m-a invatat sa fiu omul din ziua de azi. ma mandresc cu cintea mea, cu sinceritatea mea si cu altruismul meu. Da!sunt capabila de asa ceva si voi fi tot timpul. eu sunt acel firicel de lumina si stralucire din orice privire care o intalneste pe a mea. eu sunt acel zambet cu care pornesti masina si mergi la lucru. eu sunt hohotul de ras starnit de o gluma bine plasata si nesimtit de subtila. eu sunt...eu! doar atat voi fi pentru fiecare dintre voi...asta imi este soarta si o accept cu fruntea sus. NIMENI nu are puterea sa ma doboare, iar forta de care va loviti este data EXACT de acele valori morale de care voi ati uitat.
Monday, January 23, 2012
Thursday, January 19, 2012
Why? And for what?
Following Rudyard Kipling's "If", I decided to entitle my post "Why?..."...
I was blessed some time ago to love somebody...and I thought then that it was THAT love. ONCE in a lifetime. and after some time passed, I still believe it was IT...my question is: why? and for what?
God (or something) gave us the power of love. But LOVE reveals itself only to some of us. But I still can not find the purpose. We humans mistake love for obsession, routine , and "getting used to somebody". But true love is more than that. Love means giving without expecting anything back, love is listening to Enrique Iglesias's - Heartbeat at 7:45 in the morning, in your car, on your way to pick up the person you love "equipped" with coffee and lunch. Love is making the perfect gifts, useful and practical in the same time. Love is cooking for both of you without feeling obliged to do it. Love means completing each other in everything. Love means listening, actually listening to the one that's next to you. And finally, love means putting yourself after the person you call your lover.
I realized that when I love somebody with all my heart and soul, I can be everything mentioned above. But, being alone right now means that I went wrong somewhere....somehow...
Or maybe, some (or all) people have been raised to value other things in life than love, like money and sex. Money. As painful as it is, unfortunately, money is worth more than a relationship, of any kind. Money can break any barrier. But is it really worth it? I don't give a shit about money value, but I'm asking you: was it really worth it? yes, I made gifts that I honestly didn't ever think I was capable of even thinking about.
But back to my second question: for what? to be disgraced of what I am? For God's sake, the numbers on my car represent a moment in my life!!for what? for the looks of pure pity representing "oh god!haven't you gone over me yet?" no, I haven't!But you know what? You finally got what you wanted. You got rid of me. In the lowest possible way. You pay some much attention to your job, and you forget about common sense, like calling the person that put food on the table in front of you and welcomed you in her home. Constantly being aware of the fact that she is everything in my life. You hurt me thru her. Ahhh and money...I am dissapointed that you actually thought that I would just walk away from my responsibilities. This is a thought that was inflected to your brain, but the thing that hurts the most is that you actually believed it. But then again, I proved you wrong. I paid my dues. Please do live happily ever after with that money. Was the amount of money worth of loosing a friend and ex-lover? Was it? And you still think that you manipulated me? :) you make me laugh and in the same time you insult my intelligence. I ALWAYS gave you what you wanted, including the thought that you actually manipulated me. you didn't :). but there are some things I'm NOT willing to just pass by.
So, my questions become relevant again. For what? for all of the above?...funny thing...I'm willing to go on the same street again, but with another person. and I'm really trying. But have you noticed? THE ONE is in your dreams night by night and on your hard-drive aswell :) I can still surprise myself looking at pictures on a certain flash-drive I'm the only owner of...
Why love then? So you can face society, principles and power? True love is NOT worth fighting for! You will only get dissapointed and dumped. Untill the human race remembers what the true values of life are, love isn't really worth fighting for...
But I guess that what is in your soul nothing can wipe away...not even money or another person. you're still..."hooked" :) I still feel it :) Hope always dies last...
I was blessed some time ago to love somebody...and I thought then that it was THAT love. ONCE in a lifetime. and after some time passed, I still believe it was IT...my question is: why? and for what?
God (or something) gave us the power of love. But LOVE reveals itself only to some of us. But I still can not find the purpose. We humans mistake love for obsession, routine , and "getting used to somebody". But true love is more than that. Love means giving without expecting anything back, love is listening to Enrique Iglesias's - Heartbeat at 7:45 in the morning, in your car, on your way to pick up the person you love "equipped" with coffee and lunch. Love is making the perfect gifts, useful and practical in the same time. Love is cooking for both of you without feeling obliged to do it. Love means completing each other in everything. Love means listening, actually listening to the one that's next to you. And finally, love means putting yourself after the person you call your lover.
I realized that when I love somebody with all my heart and soul, I can be everything mentioned above. But, being alone right now means that I went wrong somewhere....somehow...
Or maybe, some (or all) people have been raised to value other things in life than love, like money and sex. Money. As painful as it is, unfortunately, money is worth more than a relationship, of any kind. Money can break any barrier. But is it really worth it? I don't give a shit about money value, but I'm asking you: was it really worth it? yes, I made gifts that I honestly didn't ever think I was capable of even thinking about.
But back to my second question: for what? to be disgraced of what I am? For God's sake, the numbers on my car represent a moment in my life!!for what? for the looks of pure pity representing "oh god!haven't you gone over me yet?" no, I haven't!But you know what? You finally got what you wanted. You got rid of me. In the lowest possible way. You pay some much attention to your job, and you forget about common sense, like calling the person that put food on the table in front of you and welcomed you in her home. Constantly being aware of the fact that she is everything in my life. You hurt me thru her. Ahhh and money...I am dissapointed that you actually thought that I would just walk away from my responsibilities. This is a thought that was inflected to your brain, but the thing that hurts the most is that you actually believed it. But then again, I proved you wrong. I paid my dues. Please do live happily ever after with that money. Was the amount of money worth of loosing a friend and ex-lover? Was it? And you still think that you manipulated me? :) you make me laugh and in the same time you insult my intelligence. I ALWAYS gave you what you wanted, including the thought that you actually manipulated me. you didn't :). but there are some things I'm NOT willing to just pass by.
So, my questions become relevant again. For what? for all of the above?...funny thing...I'm willing to go on the same street again, but with another person. and I'm really trying. But have you noticed? THE ONE is in your dreams night by night and on your hard-drive aswell :) I can still surprise myself looking at pictures on a certain flash-drive I'm the only owner of...
Why love then? So you can face society, principles and power? True love is NOT worth fighting for! You will only get dissapointed and dumped. Untill the human race remembers what the true values of life are, love isn't really worth fighting for...
But I guess that what is in your soul nothing can wipe away...not even money or another person. you're still..."hooked" :) I still feel it :) Hope always dies last...
Saturday, January 7, 2012
Un alt an...
a venit si 2012...dar inceputul cel putin, nu aduce nimic bun.
am mai facut un mic pas in a ma cunoaste. in a-mi cunoaste reactiile. "asta e un lucru bun" ati spune. da, este; dar nu si contextul.am fost martora, prin telefon ce-i drept, la o scena rupta parca din stirile de la ora 17. "te omor! bag cutitul in tine!nesimtita dracului care esti!" si tot tacamul. sincer, credeam ca numai la moldoveni se pot intampla din astea. no offence cunoscutilor mei care vin din spatiul dintre Carpatii Orientali si Prut. nu, nu erau vecinii mei renumiti pentru asa ceva, ci...persoana amenintata era mama...
de mici suntem intrebati pe cine iubim mai mult, mama sau tata. atunci dam un raspuns inocent de copil. mai crestem si intrebarea incepe sa capete relevanta; iar cand suntem maturi, ne cam alegem partea. pentru mine a fost momentul decisiv.
ati condus masina vreodata cu frica? v-au tremurat picioarele pe ambreaj, acceleratie sau frana? ati condus din instinct pentru ca mintea voastra era in alta parte? eu da! am traversat orasul gandindu-ma constant ca poate nu ajung la timp?...cine stie ce se intampla pana ajung acolo?...oare de ce sunt in stare?...ma pot oare controla sa nu fac o prostie din furie?...si intrebarea cruciala: oare cum O gasesc?
mi s-a parut cel mai lung drum...nimerisem sa am parte de vreo 2 ambulante si de cei mai lenti soferi (!!). exact atunci! cand ma grabeam eu!
dar ea...oh!mama, dulce, mama...stia de ce sunt in stare la furie si a evitat situatia care sigur m-ar fi dus in puscarie pentru restul vietii...m-a asteptat in drum...de atunci, sunt mereu langa ea. nu las pe nimeni sa se apropie de ea. sunt ca o umbra, un...bodyguard :)
dar cum este sa traiesti cu frica in propria casa? casa pe care tu ai cladit-o?
eu...am facut alegerea. daca iubirea este o mare tzeapa pentru mine, atunci voi avea grija de ea. TOTUL pana la mama. daca se depaseste limita asta, devin plina de ura si nu stiu de ce sunt in stare...
ca sa ne uitam si la partea buna a lucrurilor (!!), am descoperit o mica parte din ce poate face forduletzul meu. e agil. si cu o zi inainte am descoperit ca merge cu 150 km/h fara nici cea mai mica problema. oare cum reactioneaza la mai mult? :D astept cu nerabdare un alt drum spre granitza! :)
am mai facut un mic pas in a ma cunoaste. in a-mi cunoaste reactiile. "asta e un lucru bun" ati spune. da, este; dar nu si contextul.am fost martora, prin telefon ce-i drept, la o scena rupta parca din stirile de la ora 17. "te omor! bag cutitul in tine!nesimtita dracului care esti!" si tot tacamul. sincer, credeam ca numai la moldoveni se pot intampla din astea. no offence cunoscutilor mei care vin din spatiul dintre Carpatii Orientali si Prut. nu, nu erau vecinii mei renumiti pentru asa ceva, ci...persoana amenintata era mama...
de mici suntem intrebati pe cine iubim mai mult, mama sau tata. atunci dam un raspuns inocent de copil. mai crestem si intrebarea incepe sa capete relevanta; iar cand suntem maturi, ne cam alegem partea. pentru mine a fost momentul decisiv.
ati condus masina vreodata cu frica? v-au tremurat picioarele pe ambreaj, acceleratie sau frana? ati condus din instinct pentru ca mintea voastra era in alta parte? eu da! am traversat orasul gandindu-ma constant ca poate nu ajung la timp?...cine stie ce se intampla pana ajung acolo?...oare de ce sunt in stare?...ma pot oare controla sa nu fac o prostie din furie?...si intrebarea cruciala: oare cum O gasesc?
mi s-a parut cel mai lung drum...nimerisem sa am parte de vreo 2 ambulante si de cei mai lenti soferi (!!). exact atunci! cand ma grabeam eu!
dar ea...oh!mama, dulce, mama...stia de ce sunt in stare la furie si a evitat situatia care sigur m-ar fi dus in puscarie pentru restul vietii...m-a asteptat in drum...de atunci, sunt mereu langa ea. nu las pe nimeni sa se apropie de ea. sunt ca o umbra, un...bodyguard :)
dar cum este sa traiesti cu frica in propria casa? casa pe care tu ai cladit-o?
eu...am facut alegerea. daca iubirea este o mare tzeapa pentru mine, atunci voi avea grija de ea. TOTUL pana la mama. daca se depaseste limita asta, devin plina de ura si nu stiu de ce sunt in stare...
ca sa ne uitam si la partea buna a lucrurilor (!!), am descoperit o mica parte din ce poate face forduletzul meu. e agil. si cu o zi inainte am descoperit ca merge cu 150 km/h fara nici cea mai mica problema. oare cum reactioneaza la mai mult? :D astept cu nerabdare un alt drum spre granitza! :)
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